I read today about hugging, touching, getting a massage and yet again feel like the little match girl outside the shop window. I hate casual touching, can't bear the thought of a massage, and hug sparingly.
I come from a family who don't grab each other to show their bonding, and I think it may be an inherited trait, maybe in the DNA. I cringe at the concept of the pedi!
There's pressure around this, around the notion that all humans need touch to thrive, and that touch is healing. Maybe so, but it's on a scale, I'm guessing. I've been told outright that there's something wrong with people like me. Oh, no!
My need is minimal. During the pandemic when we weren't touching at all if possible, some people really suffered withdrawal. I only fleetingly missed it, in fact I was hugely relieved not to have to duck out of hugging and friendly handshakes. I'm a believer in consent -- your need to touch me doesn't supersede my need for you not to!
I think it's related to touch sensitivity. A hand on my arm is like an electric shock, unless I'm reciprocating. Interesting thoughts, and yours are welcome, too, including disagreement if it's considerate and not dismissive.
Moving on, today is a better energy day, after several naps yesterday and a full night's sleep. I think I'm very lucky there, from what I hear of people for whom sleep is a rare and wonderful event. Being relatively pain free is a big part of it, lucky there, too.
I think the free weight exercising I've done for years probably helped there. My rheumatologist, who's actually my bone doctor, tells me it's very likely it kept the joints jointed.
Meanwhile, the cosmos are still blooming away, whipped around in the fall wind, they don't care, what an example. All the other flowers are finished, so the remaining butterflies and bees are crowding onto the cosmos, last chance around for pollen. They're practically handing out numbers.
And good news on the tipping I reported to management recently: one lot of junk around the lovely hollow tree has been removed, and the other, the boxes and furniture spilling everywhere, is clearly in the process. They're even emptying the patio.
So I emailed my thanks to the manager. He'll have a pleasant email to come in to tomorrow.
And here's a couple of thoughts
Happy day, everyone! Pick the thoughts you like and go with them, judgment-free zone in operation!
One thought I went with was the National Popular Vote issue. My state, NJ, already uses the popular vote for President, not the electoral college.
I emailed my state legs. to encourage their continuing support. Rather than try to abolish the EC, better put workarounds in place to render it irrelevant. We need more states to do this. Just sayin. And here's how:
We hug all the time, reflexively, effusively and with gusto. Our family and friends reciprocate in kind. I cannot imagine being with people who do not.
ReplyDeleteTouch is important to me, but on my terms, in my family. I'm not an impulsive hugger of all and sundry. I have animals, too, so am never short of gentle interactions with living beings.
ReplyDeleteYes, good point, animals provide touch, too.
DeleteCould states change from EC to popular vote in the short time left? EC does seem particularly outmoded in this age.
ReplyDeleteNot before next week! But this is a good time when people's attention is on it, to keep pushing.
DeleteYour description of the cosmos caused me to look out the window to see how the petunia pots are faring. I was expecting a major frost last night, but it didn't happen, so the petunias live for another day. And the sky is a bit pink, so that is good too.
ReplyDeleteWinter postponed one more day.
DeleteYes, when it comes to hugging, "don't be all getting up in my hamster ball" as the saying goes. Always ask first!
ReplyDeleteYes! And be gracious if the other person declines.
DeleteAsking about hugging is a great practice!
ReplyDeleteYes. My plea is for tolerance and acceptance of people whose needs are different from our own.
DeleteAlthough I am a hugger, I promise that if we ever meet, I will respect your boundaries completely! I understand that for some people, touch is not a good thing. The hardest thing for me is to respect my grandchildren's boundaries. Some of them are very big huggers, some are not. And there is an urge in me to simply pat them at times or stroke their hair. But. I know the ones who do not like it and I refrain. When they do hug me, it is greatly appreciated. In general though, in our family we just about fall into each other when we hug. It's like a comedy routine when we leave gatherings. Everyone must be found and hugged before we can leave.
ReplyDeleteThat willingness to refrain without judgment is exactly what I thought you'd express! You get it. I hate the bullying of people who say oh that's just what we do, translation: the hell with you! That casual intolerance makes me careful around them.
DeleteI was never, not once, hugged by my parents, so I have never liked random people grabbing me and pulling me in. I don't know if my childhood had been different that I would see it in a different way. I don't mind shaking hands, just keep those arms off!
ReplyDeleteInteresting observation. I'm guessing if you were genetically a touching person, you would be, even if you didn't grow up with it. Just a surmise. Also the reverse. I tried introducing more touch in my family, hugging my son, and he hated it, asked to stop. Not a hugger from birth, didn't like being held even as a baby.
DeleteInteresting, Liz, that you have such an intense physical reaction to touch. My reaction is more emotional. A "who the heck do you think you are?" emotional reaction in some cases or a "what a sweet hug" in others - depending on hugger and circumstances! In general, though, I am happiest keeping a companionable distance. I would say to those who imply there is something wrong with you and your dislike of being touched, that you touch and interact with others through art. Clearly you are not isolated or deficient in human contact.
ReplyDeleteThat's a wonderful observation, thank you!
DeleteI think touch is one of those things where we're all just different. I do hug friends, but I don't think I would presume to hug someone I didn't know well, or who might not welcome it.
ReplyDeleteNo, you're considerate that way. I can see you'd wait to see if it's welcome.
DeleteThere was a time in my life when I was barely able to tolerate random touching. Most often I had to wash my face if a cheek was pressed against mine. The worst was having to wash my hands after a handshake. My hand always felt dirty. We do feel auras and some are repellent. For those who doubt, I remind them the truth behind “If looks could kill.” If we can visibly sense hatred, we can feel it too.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're doing better. That sounds so sensitive that it's hard to bear. Yes, you may be picking up on communication most people don't get.
DeleteIt is nice to see a discussion of touching. I dislike hugging when it is the expected greeting rather than an expression of special affection. Simply, my space is my own and I want to have charge of sharing it (or not). I feel assaulted when a relative stranger comes at me to hug. World: please respect my boundaries!
ReplyDeleteThanks for weighing in, Nan. "My space is my own" I like that.
DeleteI too had a childhood of not touching. Except for being hit! So hugging to me is hard. I tried to hug my children and grandchildren as often as I could. I didn’t want to perpetuate the uncomfortable feelings surrounding those hugs.
ReplyDeleteAs for sleep. Now that I have these tablets that actually work to keep pain levels down I seem to be trying to catch up on ten years of no sleep.
Nice that you tried to change things and give your family the chance to experience touch and see how it goes for them.
DeleteSleep when you have chronic pain is a huge issue, and I'm glad you're finally getting some relief.
Never been a hugger, either. My parents were good people but not huggers and that's what I learned. If people hug, I reciprocate, but am not the initiator.
ReplyDeleteYes, there's really no correlation between touch and feeling love for children. I think people sometimes assume they're the same.
DeleteI came from a non hugging family and yet I am hugging constantly I have friends we hug when we meet and when we leave each other. And my grand I can not get enough of her. But having said that it is your personal choice to touch or not and it should be respected.
ReplyDeleteCathy
That's a balanced approach and interesting that you didn't get your hugging habit from family. Must be hardwired!
DeleteGood, thoughtful comments all. I have one friend who is as averse to touch as you, Boud; it was most helpful when she explained her (literal) feelings to me. II have never had a pro massage because I'm quite sure I'd become addicted,. "Each to their own opinion, said the old lady as she kissed the cow", as my dear grandma was wont to say.
ReplyDeleteOur cosmos is amazingly still blooming too - haven't seen a bee for weeks but there are still a (very) few butterflies flitting in the sagebrush steppe in the foothills above Boise.
Chris from Boise
Yes, it's helpful when people feel accepted enough to explain, and when we realize our normal isn't everyone's.
DeleteThe cosmos is such a survivor. Here we've had a light frost and it doesn't care!
Late in commenting, Boud on what I found to be an interesting post as well as the comments that followed. My family were also not huggers. I cannot recall a single instance of being hugged by my parents or my lone sibling. Yet, when my first husband and I married, I was introduced to a group of huggers in a large family. Oddly enough, it was never discomforting and I became accustomed to this form of greeting. Even though that marriage and family relationship is long gone, I'm not unopposed to hugging, only in certain circumstances and with certain individuals. It is a personal decision and no one has the right to say someone is unsociable if opposed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for weighing in. This seems to be a subject we all respond to. I remember my sister accidentally offending her future grandmother in law when she failed to kiss her after a visit! She had no idea of such a thing, unheard of in our family. Grandma was furious!
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