Recently I've been thinking again about moving, possibly next year, to a rental, already got my choices in mind. I'd been thinking that one of the best things about this neighborhood is the free friendships, people chatting, helping etc.
Since covid it's changed. People still friendly, but all in their bubbles. I go days without even seeing anyone. Can't be helped. But if I move, I won't be any more alone than I am now at this rate.
And a perfect unit for me came available this week. All kinds of advantages. Ground floor, nearer Handsome Son but not in his face, friends used to own it, another friend lives right there.
But this is not a time to put the house on the market. Next spring maybe. The idea being to move, then list the house. This rental was available less than a year ago. Job losses have sadly affected renters. Sooooo, son more or less on board. Next time this unit is up, or a similar one in that development, I'll go for it. I suspect this rental will be available again. The reason for a rental is that I don't want to leave Handsome Son stuck alone having to sell a house. Just emptying a small rental is much more within reason.
Then, amidst all this musing, friend one stopped by, said just a chat, hadn't seen me (he lives nextdoor), very nice. Wondering if old times might return. Read on.
Couple of hours later, text from mutual friend two, saying they're planning a little party for friend three. On my patio next weekend. Probably five people. On my 8x10 deck. Which accommodates two safely. Chinese food, which I don't do, guest of honor an acquaintance likewise, all arranged before mentioning it! I think they got a bit carried away.
Sooo this may explain the little visit ahead of time. Advance diplomacy. Anyway I restrained my initial amazement and just texted that it will be a long while before I'm comfortable in groups.
Then sat quietly reading through the subsequent litany of texted reasons why it would be FINE, and four people (where'd the guest of honor go, not in the list) isn't really a GROUP, and well if I'm really not comfortable OUTSIDE with FOUR CAREFUL PEOPLE she understood. No thought that maybe I had other plans. Or that it's too hot for me outside.
I put into practice something I often forget: don't debate. Don't give multiple reasons as I did above, because they'll be batted away one by one. Just stick with polite no.
Anyway at the end of all this I thanked her for understanding (!), said that was kind. And let her have the last word: they'll wait till I'm comfortable! Might be a long wait.
So today a restorative trip to the farm happened.
Lovely canteloupe, six desserts there, new supply of tomatoes, may freeze some for later sauce, first peaches.
All taking a cool bath, not so much because of handling, probably three people at most, but to wash off mud and wildlife.
And today's lunch salad, still with the chicken farmer pie for main, is dandelion greens, chives and sliced tomatoes.
I made a new dressing: olive oil, white vinegar, Dijon mustard, minced garlic, grated lemon zest, hot pepper seeds. Very good. Now that the dandelion is getting bitter, needs some opposition. I just made this little quantity for now.
After this really good lunch, with a peach in prospect, the saga of the patio party is starting to look funny.
Wait- they planned a party for your patio without asking you?
ReplyDeleteNo. That's just rude.
That was one of the breathtaking things about it. I expect they assumed since we're old friends, it was fine. There isn't anyone on earth who can do this to my way of thinking! I understand the logistics, one person living an hour away, two with a totally cluttered patio, the other the guest of honor. So that leaves me. But I think they got it out of order!
DeleteTo be fair, she did ask if that worked for me. However since the menu, location, guest list, time and date were set, it sounded rhetorical.
DeleteInteresting to invite you to a party at your own place. That’s a new one for me. You’re right. No explanations necessary.
ReplyDeleteFor now we will stay in our house too. Big decision to move to a rental but inevitable for us as well.
It's pretty scary. But I keep telling myself I've sold property before, alone. Bought property before. Alone. Moved before. Alone. Then the physical work emailed, oh dear..
DeleteEntailed. Not emailed. I'd like a word with the predictive text creators.
DeleteMs. Moon is spot on.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you stayed strong. I like your take to not give excuses. Very good advice. The decision to move sounds like it is well thought out. Prayers things go more smoothly in the near future.
That's just wrong on more levels than I care to count. Talk about being taken for granted! Good for you for saying no and sticking to it. You're so right that no explanations are necessary. If they're rude enough to treat you that way, then they deserve to be given short shift. I once read a book (think it was called 'Enough is Enough' but not sure on that) and the premise of it boiled down to simply saying no. Don't give explanations as to why you're saying no because that opens it up to further discussion. The book suggested that if someone was asking you to agree to do something and you didn't want to, just say no. And when they ask why, just say you can't and keep repeating that until they give up. Then, if you walk away and decide that yes you DO want to do whatever it was you can then call them and offer. I was a person who was always agreeing to do things that I hated because I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. I took that book to heart and now I have no trouble saying no. Good for you Liz - stick to your guns!
ReplyDeleteThe odd thing is that the texter has been a friend since her sister's last illness. Her sister was a great friend, and during that awful time when I helped nurse her in her last days at home, across the street, in hospice, the texter and a third sister and I become close. They pretty much adopted me into the family. Anyway it was the first sister who taught me "No is a complete sentence". Ironic I get to use it on her younger sister!
DeleteI like that - 'No is a complete sentence'. Something we all need to learn!
DeleteI've only literally done that once,when's friend asked me to give her a character reference to buy a gun from a relative's estate. Just one word. Nothing else. Long explanation from her, most of it malarkey, and in the end she changed the subject and we went on seamlessly.
DeleteOut of order, indeed. You gave a wise response (in all respects). This COVID time has made me consider how often I feel the need to be understood, but even with explanations understanding doesn't necessarily come. I had stopped explaining things, but yesterday I gave into the temptation and the response was a more complicated explanation for this other person's situation. It was actually a good interaction in that I didn't feel so alone in my desire to be understood. She, obviously, desired it too. At the end of the day, I simply want to be respected for any decision I make and not feel I have to explain in order to receive an understanding response. The older I get, the less I care about such things like being understood, but I guess I do still care.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's not easy. but I think nowadays when people want to know more than I want to say, I'm not answerable to you, honey. I don't say it. But I bet my face does!
ReplyDeletelol
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