Sunday, August 21, 2011

Sunday, and the furniture's moved

The transformation from hospital type living room, organized for an invalid, back to ordinary living room for mobile people, is pretty much complete. I just moved a few bits of furniture around, to use the space better and to make it feel better. There's a great sense of disloyalty in doing it, though, as if I'm sweeping away HP's dear memory, but I need to live here and I have to deal with the feelings about it. I know our cleaning couple will be all sad when they come and see it changed, and no doubt will once again be I cry, I clean, like last time, but his empty bed and chair broke them up, as it did me.

Everything is mixed, with memories rushing at me the whole time, HP asking me what I'm reading, what I'm knitting, asking me to explain the plot of the mystery movie. Now I don't need to explain, but it's sad to remember the mental deterioration that made it impossible for him to follow the plots of the sort of movies he used to love to watch with me.

I borrowed a few DVDs of Midsomer Murders to watch, because they're funny, I like them, and we saw a whole lot of them together a couple of years back when he still followed them. I set them up like matinees when he was too tired to watch in the evening and the weather wasn't right for being on the patio.

Watching them myself now is still good, but it's also a way of desensitizing myself so that I can get back to enjoying them and not avoiding this sort of thing, just because of the memories. It's too soon to have a perspective on what is good to remember, what is better to get past, and how to handle this now that I have time to actually think.

Friends are coming through just great, though, dropping in if I need company, tactfully not if I don't, bringing food --another neighbor has taken up the relay!! Indian food again, but from a different state, different kind of food, still very good indeed.No, I've no idea what I ate!

Tomorrow I go to HPs bank with the probate documents to get his tiny account turned over to me. At least that's the plan. The surrogate's office worked with the speed of light to probate the will and get the stuff back to me, which surprised me quite a bit. I guess I got them on a slow day. Or perhaps using the credit card speeded it up a bit, no need to wait for a check to clear.

But the good news is that tomorrow I play quartets!!! harpsichord and three recorders. This will be a reunion with my group. Since it's late afternoon, there's little to no chance that any vital calls will come through at that time on a Monday. So I felt okay agreeing.

It's just very hard to relax and do this kind of thing when I'm all het up about official business, but I'm hoping that if I can at least get the bank squared away, that will be a great help for my immediate financial life. Then I can stop banging on about it!

Looking ahead a little bit: HS and I have decided to scatter HP's ashes in a place where we all planted daffodils as a September 11 memorial, and do it on 9.11, because that would have been the tenth anniversary of our last reunion, the one that really did last till death. The daffodil planting at that time was HP's idea, as is the daffodil planting in his own memory that's going on all over the planet this year.

At that time I'll explain about how this came about, and have other memories to share, and I hope blogistas who have known both of us or just me, and him via me, will join in with memories, funny ones as well as poignant ones, at that time.


  1. I believe it's called survivor guilt. There's no disloyalty, no sweeping away his memory. He'd have wanted for you to move forward and enjoy life, thus honouring his memory, because his life was about much more than his illness. It's early days yet, and you've accomplished so much in a short space of time. Give yourself permission to experience all your feelings, as well as enjoying your newly rearranged living space. If you'd left the room as it was what purpose would it have served? Here's a virtual hug from all of us here, you go girl! With love from Cowtown

  2. Heather says, think of all who have benefited through your donations, resting more comfortably tonight because of your generosity. You honoured him by serving those people, too.

  3. just wanted you to know that i am thinking about you liz, and will be again on 9.11. love.

  4. Heather and the girl from Cowtown have put it well. My thoughts are with you, and I look forward to shared memories.


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